


The Life I Lived

by LamaraLily



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Canon Divergence - Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Canon-Typical Violence, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Pre-Captain America: The First Avenger, Pre-Serum Steve Rogers, Temporary Character Death, Time Travel
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-19
Updated: 2018-03-19
Packaged: 2019-04-04 14:54:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,235
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14022672
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LamaraLily/pseuds/LamaraLily
Summary: During the fight between Steve, Tony, and Bucky in Civil War something drastically changes the course of events. When Steve is offered the chance to go back in time and live a life without Captain America, will he take it?orI wanted to write Steve and Bucky growing old together through hardships and great times and this came about.





	The Life I Lived

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys,
> 
> I'm on spring break and have been working on updating all my stories and I found this old fic idea I wrote in 2015. I decided I'm going to finish it up and post it in about five or ten chapters. 
> 
> It is unbeta'd so I apologize beforehand for mistakes.
> 
> I will be proofreading it tomorrow.

~~~~~

 

They had all managed to live through the building crashing down around them but that didn’t stop the fight between Tony, Steve, and Bucky. Show was billowing through the concrete pillars and bringing Steve back to focus with its icy touch to his face. Bucky’s metal arm was gone and Tony was advancing towards the ex-assassin with his palm outstretched to launch another blast at the prone figure.

 

Steve didn’t hesitate to grab his shield and run at Tony. His arm vibrated painfully with every blast that he took with the shield in front of him. Steve only saw red as he blindly bashed Tony’s suit over and over with his shield, the image of Bucky laying broken on the concrete filling him with rage.

 

Tony managed to find an opening and Steve found himself flying backwards and his shield flung out of his grasp again. As he worked his way to his knees he looked up to see Tony standing over him, his body language screaming attack. Steve could still hear Bucky panting behind him on the ground.

 

“He’s my friend…” He choked out the words as if somehow this would sway Tony. He didn’t have any other explanation for the billionaire. He had lost Bucky so many times and he couldn’t let that happen again. Fighting Tony was just as painful to Steve, especially with the friendship they had managed to build through the years they had worked together.

 

“So was I.” Steve felt his gut twist as Tony’s metal fist smashed into his face and he found himself flung into the pillars. He really was betraying Tony’s friendship but he had to choose between Bucky dying or having Tony never forgive him – at least Tony and Bucky would be alive with his second option.

 

Bucky reached out to grab Tony’s leg giving Steve the opening to grab Tony and throw him to the ground. His shield somehow made it’s way into his hand and he slammed it into Tony’s helmet hard enough to make the helmet roll away from the shocked face of Tony. He lifted his shield in the air again, chest heaving, face crumpled in rage. It felt like an eternity though it wasn’t even a few seconds that he held the shield ready to bring down on Tony. Steve knew he couldn’t end this; Tony was still his friend even if he hated Steve.

 

Tony’s eyes flicked to behind Steve and his face flashed confusion for an instant before giving away to look of pure horror. His mouth opened to shout something but before Steve could turn and look at what had made Tony look so terrified a sound of thunder echoed through the concrete building.

 

Fire spread through Steve’s chest and time slowed as the shield slipped from his grip and clattered next to Tony. He felt himself be turned over on his back and he looked up at Tony’s terrified face. Steve could see Tony’s mouth moving but he couldn’t hear him over the ringing in his ears. Wait, how had he ended up on the ground? Last he knew he was still over Tony…

 

Damn he was exhausted suddenly. He felt his eyes closing on their own accord even though he had the burning need to know what happened. Metal covered hands were fumbling around his face pulling off his helmet and were immediately messing with this uniform near his throat. A part of him was realizing something was extremely wrong but the fire he felt in his chest burned out most of his need to figure out what it was.

 

He swore he heard Tony and Bucky’s voice but everything sounded like he had shoved his head in a fishbowl and was underwater. A human hand started stroking his face desperately while the metal ones were now pushing on the center of the fire in his chest. Everything was fading into an eerie silence but he could sort of make out words through the muddled sounds around him.

 

“WHAT did YOU do!?!”

“Capsicle look at me!”

“Steve, Steve stay with me!”

“Stevie, please don’t do this!”

 

~~~~~

 

Steve was walking in an unknown place and he had no idea why. His form was surrounded in darkness, the only light emanating from the white, billowing fog surrounding him. He vaguely recalled that he needed to get back to Tony and Bucky before something happened? His thoughts were so jumbled and scattered that he couldn’t put them together.

 

“Do not be frightened Steven Grant Rogers of Earth.” A female voice echoed all around him and he immediately crouched defensively and looked around for the owner of the disembodied voice. A gentle chuckle rang out and he could make out a black figure emerging through the thick fog in front of him.

 

The figure started to take shape into a tall, pale form but it was as if her body couldn’t completely form. Black robes moved around her like living tentacles and Steve vaguely felt this should be unsettling yet he felt completely at ease in her presence. A smile graced the woman’s face as if she was happy that Steve seemed to be relaxing.

 

“You have a choice Steven Grant Rogers.” The black entity shuffled her robes around her smoke-billowing frame. Her long black hair wisped around her face and her pure black eyes gleamed in some unseen light.

 

Steve rubbed at his eyes trying to remember how he even got here. He didn’t understand what she meant by a choice.

 

“Pardon me ma’am. I don’t mean to offend you or anything, but I’m not sure what you mean or even who you are… I’m not sure why I’m here either… or even where here is to be completely honest.” She laughed and her eyes crinkled as she beamed at the blonde. Steve could make out black tendrils stretching across her cheekbones from her eyes.

 

“Such manners from a mortal and also so many questions.” Steve could feel a painful pull at his chest and he swore the woman’s face showed pain as well for an instant. “Unfortunately we don’t have much time for me to explain everything as you wish me to. I am Lady Fortuna and I wish to give you a chance to live as you have often dreamed of – a more simple life.”

 

Steve’s brow furrowed and he opened his mouth to question her but before he could say anything she answered, “I am extremely powerful Steven Grant Rogers. Time is beneath me and my wishes.” She paused as if debating on what to say to the captain. “I have taken pity on you and your pain which is why I called you here.”

 

The Lady moved closer to Steve. “There are moments in mortals lives that they consider significant for changes that occur to them. You will be transported back to one of these moments and while in the past you will make the necessary changes you wish to make. I can only grant you fifteen minutes in the past without chancing damage to time on a much larger scale.” Lady Fortuna sighed softly as she twiddled black tendrils of shadow through her thin fingers.

 

“You will never forget the life you have led with this existence. You will have to live with the knowledge of what could have been, whether for better or for worse.” Her gaze shifted from her fingers back to Steve’s blue gaze. “Can you live with that Steven Grant Rogers?”

 

Steve stood, his brow furrowed and lips in a tight line. “So that means no Captain America? What bout the 107th? Who will save them if I’m not there to set them free after they’re captured? Who will lead the Avengers??”

 

A smile curled on the Lady’s pale lips. “My sweet son. No one knows how the future can change. It is like the river, constantly changing. Throwing in a rock can change an entire current or it may do nothing more than make ripples.”

 

Steve was tired of riddles. “How do I know what is right for the world? I can’t change the past knowing that hundreds could die!” He looked at his hands already picturing blood dripping from his fingertips. He couldn’t be selfish… He couldn’t do it knowing he would unwillingly end the lives of all he had saved in this life.

 

“This is not about anyone else Steven Grant Rogers.” The shadowy tendrils at her fingertips transformed into the faces of his friends. “This is only about you.” Nick Fury and Maria Hill’s faces faded into the black tendrils. “You and your happiness.” Clint and Bruce’s faces faded away. “No one else is involved” Thor and Tony’s smiling faces disappeared. “Not even your closest friends.” Natasha and Sam’s faces started to fade. Steve reached out his hands to try and grasp at their forms to no avail. “Because everything I’m doing is to give _you_ happiness.” The last face that was left was that of Bucky’s. The face he saw was that of the night that Bucky had introduced himself not as Bucky but as Sergeant James Barnes. His lips were curled into that smirk Steve had seen so many times in the past.

 

“Not many people get this choice Steven Grant Rogers. I saw how tired you are and decided that your selfless heart deserved this choice of change.”

 

Bucky’s face changed into the Bucky he had seen everyday for the past year. His hair was long and oily and his eyes were haunted and lost. It was expression Steve knew all too well and hated with a fiery passion. His gaze seemed lost as if in a daze with any action Bucky had tried to do. Any sort of smile was marred with a question in those gray eyes, as if asking Steve if this was right. Bucky’s face started to disappear into the living mass of black tendrils.

 

“So I ask again, what is your choice?” The Lady’s black eyes bore into Steve. He was shaking by this point. How could he possibly make such an important choice!? He loved his friends, all of them, even with the problems they had been facing. Not only that but every person he’d ever have saved would die without him as Cap and he’d have to live knowing that.

 

Steve collapsed to his knees and rested his head on his chest. This was too much for him, he could only shake his head slowly while his eyes burned with unshed tears. The Lady’s face crumbled slightly at the sight.

 

“My choice was not meant to cause more pain but alleviate it my child.” The Lady brought forward her hand and tendrils of shadow embraced Steve’s shuddering form. It had been too long since she had tried to understand a mortal’s fear.

 

Her eyes shone and the tendrils began to move into a sphere. Shadows began to take shapes until in front of Steve was the world. The sphere was rotating slowly while human figures began to outline the landmasses. The Lady’s pale hand brushed against the shadow world and it split and cracked where she touched. She withdrew her hand and the shadows started filling in the cracks until the world looked just as it once did before her hands and split the land.

 

“Mortals have a funny way of saving themselves when no one comes to do it for them” The Lady’s knowing gaze fixated itself on Steve. He seemed to be much more visibly relaxed than he once did.

  
“I don’t know if you can answer this ma’am. But if I do go back and change the future selfishly, will things end up alright?” Blue fixed itself upon the pale Lady’s face. Lips quirked into a small smile.

 

“I don’t normally answer questions like that. However, I will make an exception for you with a noble heart. Whatever you choose will end well.” A rumble shook the ground and the Lady’s face fell back into an emotionless mask.

 

She drew her hand up slowly and a golden mirror rose from the shadows. The mirror was nothing Steve had ever set eyes on before. It was taller than he was and it almost seemed alive.

  
“Whatever your choice you must travel through the mirror to leave this place.” The ground shook again and Steve felt a pain blooming in his chest.

 

Steve nodded and moved to stand in front of the golden mirror. It seemed more like liquid than an actual solid mass. The face kept rippling and shifting as if it couldn’t figure out how it wanted to stay.

 

“You have not much time Steven Grant Rogers. If you are to do this, you must do it now.” Lady Fortuna’s pale flesh was becoming covered in the black webbing veins that he had first seen around her eyes. “You must find the change you wish to make and do it or simply allow time to continue on as it has done once before.”

A rumble shook the ground and the mirror with it this time.

 

“Go Steven Grant Rogers. Make yourself happy.” A smile broke onto the pale face and she beckoned to the mirror.

 

“Thank you for everything ma’am.” Steve bowed his head and with a deep breath jumped through the mirror.

 

When his form disappeared Lady Fortuna’s smile fell slowly while the mirror transformed from its pure golden face to projecting Steve in the time he was dropped into.

 

If only he knew… She had lived too many lifetimes to see someone make themselves suffer needlessly again.

 

 

Steve felt like he had been plunged in ice once again. The air was sucked out of his lungs as he fell into the darkness before him. He couldn’t see where he was going or where he even came from. Things were a blur. What if this “Lady Fortuna” was actually some magic weaving villain who had just made Steve willingly jump to his demise?

 

His thoughts were ended abruptly as he slammed into something hard. His eyes flew open – he hadn’t even realized he had shut them. Everything was blurry and seemed out of focus and he colors weren’t present. He definitely was in a back alley in Brooklyn, that much was certain as he looked at the cracking brick walls on either side. In fact he recognized this as the alley by the old grocers he and Bucky went to before they left for the war. He had taken a beating or two (maybe even three) in this alley.

 

As Steve finally stood he groaned at the dull ache in his back. He looked down to find himself looking at the pre-serum body he left during the war. That explained his vision and his aching back. Steve didn’t really register that going back before Captain America would mean his old self as well.

 

“Oi! Laddy, ye doin’ alright back there?” The old Irishman, O’Brien, that lived next to the shop had stopped at the entrance of the alley and was giving Steve a strange look. Steve figured it must be strange to see a man about 95 pounds adamantly touching his own body like he had never seen it before in a back alley.

 

“Er- Yes sir.” Steve had the sudden realization that he truly was all right. He was finally back where he had longed to be. He was finally back _home_ … “I really am…” He started moving towards the opening of the alley almost in a daze. The Irishman shook his head and moved about his business muttering about strange lads.

 

Steve emerged from the alley to find his old Brooklyn abuzz around him. He could feel his eyes burning with happy tears. He didn’t realize how much he had missed this after waking up from the ice.

 

Bucky! He snapped back into business mode. He wasn’t sure exactly what this change was yet but Steve knew he needed to find Bucky to find out.

 

Steve rounded the store corner and found a newsie yelling on the corner, newspapers raised in his hands. Steve asked to look at the paper and immediately found the date. May 12th, 1942. His eyes widened and he immediately knew what his choice was. He grunted thanks and headed down the street after shoving the paper back to the kid.

 

“Shit!” He cursed out loud while he was mentally mapping out his plan. He had completely forgotten the fifteen-minute time constraint he was given by the Lady. He had been completely invested in simply being here that he probably wasted about five minutes just screwing around here.

 

The docks were his destination! He _had_ to catch Bucky if he even wanted a chance to change the future. Steve started running as fast as his old body would allow. He’d hate himself later when the ache was deep in his muscles and chest but he couldn’t care. He still had to decide what he was going to do as he was running.

 

People parted for him as he ran panting through the streets. Some people recognized “the Rogers boy” and yelled out to try and stop him but he didn’t have time to stop. He rounded a corner and almost landed himself right into the side of a car. Only a few more blocks to the docks and he didn’t know how much time he had left.

 

Would he really choose to be selfish? Would he really choose a normal life over the possible lives of everyone he’d save as Captain America?

 

His chest was tightening with every breath but he didn’t have time to baby this body – that would be something for future Steve to worry about.

 

The docks were slowly becoming a closer target. Steve could see burly men moving around crates as he got closer. Most of the men had stripped down to only their trousers due to the heat and the putrid smell of sweat smacked him straight in the face.

 

Steve looked around frantically in search of his friend. Many of the men turned a glare onto Steve before returning to their work. He probably was seen as a nuisance by this point. He could hear his own breath wheezing out of tight lungs and he also assumed past Steve hadn’t eaten much that morning due to the shakiness he felt in his hands and legs.

  
Steve made his way shakily through the docks, avoiding the inner building. He was hoping Bucky was in the yard moving crates around. If he’d have come around lunchtime Jimmy or Isaac would have grabbed him and brought him to Bucky since he has been known to bring a lunch pail on good weeks.

 

“Jeez…” Steve wheezed out as he leaned down to brace his weight on his knees. He truly had forgotten how weak this body was. But he had to find Bucky!

 

“Steve?!”Large familiar hands were suddenly rubbing his back and pulling his thin weight into their chest. “What the hell are you doing here?” He managed to find Bucky, or more like Bucky had managed to find him half dying by choking on his own lungs.

 

“Breathe with me Stevie.” No! He didn’t have time. The Lady may call him back any moment.

 

“Buck! I… I…” He was still gasping for breath while trying to talk. Was he really going to do this? He could let time continue as it had if he just let his time run out. He’d go back to being Captain America in 2015 and nothing would have changed the tension between friends he had left. Bucky’s dull and lifeless eyes popped into his head along with selfish thoughts of simply living a plain life.

 

_Mortals have a funny way of saving themselves when no one comes to do it for them._

The Lady’s voice bounced through his head. This was it, he had a choice and he was going to go with his heart on this one. He steeled himself and turned around to face Bucky’s nude chest and a face filled with concern.

 

“Don’t enlist…” Bucky’s eyes widened in shock as Steve still struggled to calm his breathing. “Just… Don’t do it.”

 

“What are you talking about Steve? You were the one who said we should both enlist together.” Steve noticed a far off look in his eyes before Bucky’s full attention was back on the shorter blonde. Steve assumed this was the look that showed Bucky was still sore that Steve wanted to enlist in the first place. His memory was a little foggy of when they actually discussed this, or argued most likely.

 

A cool hand touched his forehead as the other still gripped his arm. Steve could feel the all-familiar irritation of being babied come back as he shook away Bucky’s hand.

 

“Are you feeling okay? You’re not making sense there pal.” Bucky frowned and ran the hand that Steve had shaken off through his hair. “You said- ”

 

“I know what I said Bucky!” Steve’s words were sharp and he physically had to shake his head to make sense of the words tumbling through his head. “I thought about it. You were right Buck.” Gray eyes widened. “It was a stupid idea in the first place… Let’s both just go home after you get off. We’ll even get a slice of ham from Goodwell’s. No enlisting offices for either of us.”

 

Uncertainty filled Bucky’s face and was quickly replaced with suspicion. “So you’re saying you aren’t gonna go enlist like you’ve been raving about for months?” Steve shook his head. The Lady said he’d know when he’d changed and locked in time and he hasn’t seen anything like that yet.

 

He was low on time if he had any to begin with. Steve grabbed Bucky’s arm and drug him to the nearest alley away from prying eyes. “Buck! I care about you and am not willing to see you throw your life away because I was stupid enough to think that we’d both get accepted when we both know that isn’t true. There’s no way in hell the army would want some skinny kid who can’t even run to the docks without almost passing out from breathing.”

 

Bucky was looking at him with an odd look in his eyes. It was a look Steve hadn’t seen before in his long life of knowing Bucky. A furrowed brow and pinched lips final relaxed into a small smile.

 

“Alright.”

 

“Alright??”

 

Bucky just shrugged. “I’ve never been too keen on sacrificing myself for the good of others.” He punched Steve’s shoulder lightly. “That’s always been more of your thing.” Steve was really doing this, he was steering both their futures away from the war, from helping people, and from Hydra.

 

“I can leave early today. Lets go get that slice of ham you were talking about.” Bucky wrapped his arm around Steve’s shoulders and started to direct them to the way home to their apartment.

 

A golden light suddenly exploded around both Bucky and Steve and shot outward. It highlighted people and objects for a second before continuing on its halo-like path. A rumble like thunder ripped out of the sky and then faded into the usual sounds of bustling Brooklyn.

 

It was done.

 

Steve felt dread sitting like a ball of cotton in his stomach. A part of him still wondered if he had just made this biggest mistake of his life. Bucky startled him out of his dark musing.

 

“C’mon Stevie. Don’t look so glum. We’ll be alright even if we aren’t fighting Nazis.” Bucky tightened his hold on Steve’s thin shoulders for a brief instance before relaxing into the familiar position of Bucky’s arm thrown lazily over the blonde’s shoulders.

 

The feeling of Bucky’s arm seemed to quell the dread Steve felt, at least for today. A new lighter feeling was blooming in his chest. He was happy for once. He was actually happy?

 

Steve let out a laugh that didn’t seem to stop. He was happy in the first time in such a long time. He couldn’t remember the last time he had actually laughed. Things might be all right.

 

Bucky stopped him again.

 

“Are you sure you’re okay? You’re acting really strange. You sure you don’t got that flu that’s going around?” Once again Steve waved off the worrying hands trying to feel his forehead.

 

“Lay off Buck! Can’t a fella just be happy?” Bucky rolled his eyes and mussed Steve’s hair.

 

“Punk.”

 

“Jerk.”

 

Steve could feel himself slipping back into the speech pattern that had slowly faded with time in the 2000s. He felt right at home with the usual banter with Bucky. They were actually going to live a regular life. No Winter Soldier, no Captain America, just Steve and Bucky.

 

They got the slice of ham and they even played a game with their ragged set of cards Mrs. Barnes had passed on to Bucky. It was absolutely amazing to see Bucky’s smile again. He hadn’t realized how much he missed just being… well this.

 

That night he heard Bucky snoring softly as he lay awake staring at the cracked plaster on the ceiling. He was never going to become the hero he woke up as this morning. Both his life and Bucky’s would be changed forever, hopefully for the better though that was unclear as he was getting used to his broken body again.

 

~~~~~

**Author's Note:**

> Lady Fortuna: Lady Luck or Fate


End file.
